An answer to my good friend Mikel’s post about ’10 Girls You Meet in Cebu’. To read the original piece, click here
The article was initially 10 guys but I had to add one more item by request. Although this post was published in April 2013, 5 months later I stumbled upon an awesome visual rendition of “my boys” on Behance by the very talented Stephanie Tudtud. She only illustrated 9 of the 11 but it’s still great to see my boys in cartoon version. Check her post here:
Warning: If you read this thinking you can relate, if you are not open-minded, if you don’t have a sense of humor, if OA ka and Feeler, please click the BACK button on your browser because this post is not for you.
THE 11 GUYS YOU WILL MEET IN CEBU
1. The good guy
He’s the guy who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink and doesn’t go out unless its a special occasion, in which case he’d be ordering iced tea or coke (which would be his greatest vice). He doesn’t go clubbing because he has to get up early the next day for Church. He doesn’t indulge in anything because it might ruin his concentration in tomorrow’s basketball game. He’s the guy working in his family’s business. He’s the perfect son.
He spends his weekends driving his family around and babysitting his younger siblings at the mall. That’s where you’ve probably seen him, while you were hiding behind your dark sunglasses, nursing your hangover.
He is the epitome of the “Friend-zone”. All those tragic, “nice guys finish last” songs were totally written with him in mind. He’s the guy you’d call at 3am, drunk and sobbing about how you’re douche-y boyfriend cheated on you. You know that he’d be the perfect guy to bring home to mom and dad. The ultimate ideal husband, if only you’d stop drooling over the bad boy.
2. The bad boy
He’s the ultimate fantasy. If it weren’t so hot in the Philippines, he’d be the guy in the leather jacket and a souped-up Harley Davidson. He’s the guy who every girl wants (or secretly wants). He always cuts class and doesn’t give a f*ck about anything. There’s a big chance that he’s probably still in school after 6 or 9 years. He’s the guy your parents told you to stay away from but like every single person in the world, you’ll always want what’s bad for you. Case in point.
He’s so badass because every inch of visible skin is covered with tattoos. You can only hope that marijuana is his only drug. He probably can’t afford to take you out on a date because of course, once you go coke, you go broke but since this is Cebu, that’s most likely to be shabu. That’s not a problem because the bad boy knows how to manipulate the chicks to fall in love with him and spend everything on him, even give him money to sustain his lifestyle. He walks away with new stuff, a handful of cash, your latest gadget, a smug smile and a trail of broken hearts. GASP! So Bad!… but oh so hot.
3. The conyo kid
He’s the guy who checks in regularly at the Country Club/Casino Español/Tinder Box/Shangri-La on Foursquare. He might either be a mega-poser or the real thing. For all you know he’s @BisayangConyo on Twitter. Also, his tweets would most likely be: “touchdown in Paris/New York/London/Sydney or risotto in Abaca isn’t as good as the one in that small French Bistro I went to last summer, sigh”.
He has the most fashionable haircut from Bridges or Exposé. No one else can touch his treated locks. Lacoste, FCUK, Zara and other ‘mall designer stuff’ are just for everyday wear. “That’s only pambahay bai.” Let’s not start about the car collection. The cheapest vehicle in the garage would be a BMW.
4. The extreme/outdoor adventure junkie
He’s the guy referred to as the Habagat Boy. His idea of fun would be mountaineering, trekking, kayaking, diving, surfing, longboarding and all other extreme/outdoor activities therein. In college (until now), he had long hair that may have been in dreadlocks at one point. There is a huge chance that he graduated from USC -TC or UP. At first glance, you might stereotype him as a Rasta guy. Their favorite songs would most likely have either of these artists: Bob Marley (of course!), Sublime, Damien Marley, Jack Johnson, The Dirty Heads, Matt Costa and every other single Reggae Band known to man.
So unless you want your weekend to involve camping, rolling around in the dirt, chillin in the beach all day (and no I don’t mean beach resorts) or getting a face full of concrete trying to learn how to skate, then this guy’s not for you.
5. The super jock/ gymrat
He’s the guy who quotes The Rock and posts his “beast mode” photos complete with bulging biceps and sweaty ‘hulk’ face. The gym management values him so much that he gets free days and weeks on top of his membership. Alcohol? Bad for the abs dude!!!! His shirt is always 10 sizes too small in order to highlight the muscles just trying to burst out.
You go buy a cute outfit in pink and strut to the gym, trying to lift 2 10-pound dumbells while trying hard to smile coquettishly even though you’re dying inside cos of how you can’t breathe from holding your stomach in, just to say “Nice form there”. Of course that will all be in vain because he’s too busy staring at his beast self in the mirror, while flexing and lifting 200 pounds…on each hand!
You go out for a salad at Café Georg and all goes well until you reach a point where all his criticisms of how fat you are and how unhealthy your lifestyle is makes you want to stab his eyes with the fork. So you say what the hell, leave his perfectly toned ass, and spend the rest of the night with your friends drowning your sorrows with 4 warm brownie cups with extra ice cream at La Marea and 2 bottles of tequila at Distillery. Abs my ass!
6. The ultimate geek
Post-grad? Not unless it’s in DOTA or WOW. There is a huge chance that he is more in love with his Alienware computer and complete collection of limited-edition game consoles than anything else. On his free time he sketches different versions of the female form, in spandex. He can’t take you out on an expensive date cos he either spent all his cash on comic books and graphic novels, maxed out his account in Warcraft or doesn’t have a single piece of clothing that is not a superhero t-shirt.
Night out? Forget it! Especially if the latest episode of Game of Thrones is up on torrent. Why waste his time in Barcode or Loft when there’s a national DOTA tournament going on at Mineski? Despite how cute he looks in his geeky glasses and unkempt hair, you just can’t take being compared to some Anime chick he finds very hot. Maybe this is the reason why he’s probably still a virgin.
7. The romantic gentleman or NBI
He’s the guy who’s always been absent lately at barkada outings and boys’ night out drinking sessions because he’s at home with his girlfriend taking photos of their cute new dog. He’s super crazy and super sappy that you can’t believe he was your best friend who used to get so drunk that he’d take off all his clothes and run around the neighborhood naked.
All the girls gush over him because he’s so sweet and all guys should be like him. The rest of his friends are disgusted because he makes them look bad. The guy who used to to draw winged dicks on the classroom walls now draws hearts on letters for his lovidovidoo.
The only thing that you can do is shake your head and say “Na NBI na gyud”.
8. The rockers2x \m/
For some reason, the rockers2x in Cebu don’t live the sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle. Sadly, if you’re a rocker you have to suffer the stereotype of no-good, out of school drug addict with no future. Which is not the case because most band guys in Cebu actually have successful careers and work in regular jobs. In fact, rockers2x guys are actually boring, too busy making music.
This guy spends more time with his barkada drinking Tanduay and Red Horse while debating over the latest Deftones’ album than with his girlfriend. In fact, the girlfriend becomes a part of the barkada, sitting off to the side talking to other ‘indays’ over how immature their guys are and how slutty that younger, sexy groupie is.
When not at work, the rest of his time is spent jamming. Even if there’s no concert in the next week or so, the rocker guy always spends time with the band talking about what shirt he should wear to the next gig. His idea of a night out is going to The Outpost or Koa Tree House.
Of course, these banda2x guys should not be confused with the friends who drink all the band’s free beer, are present at every gig and even look like a part of the band but don’t know how to play a single instrument. Since the band members already have long-time girlfriends since high school, it’s usually the friends who have dibs on the groupies.
9. The typical Cebuano dude
A true-blue resident of Chillville, Cebu. The island guy with all the time in the world. His mantra is “Chill lang gud”. He argues about how traveling is such a waste of time and money when you can just relax and enjoy life here in Cebu. He is the ultimate laid-back, happy-go-lucky guy who doesn’t dream of big things. Life in the fast lane is not for him.
Why go out to crowded and noisy clubs when he can stay home with his buddies, drink beer, get baked and listen to music while cooking unlimited pulutan straight from his parents’ fridge. He’d rather sugba2x in the bukid than go to Lifedance. Foodtrips to Kusina Uno, Bradix, Tagalas, Liempo ni Nasing and Ngohiong ni Domengs beats Phat Pho and Tajimaya any day. To him Boracay is for OA socialites, if you want to go to the beach, Bantayan is just a couple of hours away.
Hong Kong is too crowded, Manila sucks, Singapore too expensive. Why go to Mactan when you can drive to Moalboal. Why go to a concert when you can watch on YouTube. This guy is so low-maintenance that you get stressed trying to make plans with him. Then he answers, “why make plans, let’s be spontaneous, Cebu btaw ni!”.
10. The guy who’s too-good-to-be true he’s probably gay
He’s too much of a good thing. Well-dressed, great skin, well-kempt hair, white, shiny teeth, spotless shoes and impeccable manners. Your own facial wash, moisturizer and makeup combo has got nothing on his daily skin care regimen. His toner is probably more expensive than yours. Your parents love him, your friends gush over him, your guy friends laugh at him.
You feel guilty for ordering the Filet Mignon with mashed potatoes while he orders the Mixed Arugula and Mesclun Salad with Candied Walnuts and Raspberry Dressing. He’s so metro that he’s probably one push away from ‘To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar’.
11. The one…
Imagine it’s Sinulog and you’re dirty, paint-streaked and sticky from being doused with beer and god knows what else. All you want is to go home, take a long bubble bath with candles and sleep in fresh laundered sheets.
That feeling when you lie down and fall blissfully to sleep, all comfortable and warm and fuzzy inside? That’s the way he makes you feel when you’re finally together.
He’s the sun shining on your face and the cool, sea breeze.
He’s the one who makes you think Cebu is indeed paradise.
He’s that guy…
The guy who makes you stay. The reason why you’ll never leave.
The guy who teaches you what it feels like to be home.
And well, to majority of Cebuanas, the guy we haven’t met yet.
That’s because, he’s one of the guys mentioned above that you never gave a chance.
This is just a satirical piece not meant to offend anyone. Any similarities to real people are purely coincidental.
Awesome news. Last week, my list ’11 Guys You Meet in Cebu’ was finally featured on print. And Centerspread no less! I have to thank Jude Bacalso and CDN for letting my boys be on paper.